How I hate myself-secretly.

It’s  late at night and I just came to the realization ‘again’ that I hate myself secretly.

Secretly I am my no. 1 enemy, I tear myself apart like nobody..

It’s weird .. I’m so typical and it sometimes feels like a bad word though it shouldn’t!!

Shouldn't I consider myself human! full of errors..

AND What is this idea of being different! Unique! SPECIAL?

So hurtful are the words that some people might have uttered about me.Yet so mean is the scrutiny of the mind and the flashbacks it keeps on playing every time - when I'm almost at peace. It's like I can never be free of it. My mind doesn’t fail to make me realize what a loser I have been..There are plenty of losers in this world, everyone has lost someday-sometime-someone-something.

There’s something with the flashbacks of the pain and disrespect I have endured or the foolish projects I've ventured makes me feel like piece of shit. Even if god blesses me, my devious brain would try to align triggers and puzzles to make me feel like a loser. It’s all my head! And that’s why it’s a problem!

I don’t know why I try to write thoughts as it has never benefited me…it doesn’t at least now. I get appreciation through different ways from different sources everyday..Still I have always ended up hating myself in one way or another. It hasn’t been like this forever it started from somewhere I can't remember. 

Now more conscious of it as I ADMIT it I notice it sometimes..still not being able to stop the process..In the end when its hurting I do realize from where and why its so. I'm not that calculative in my dealings with others. I try to be empathetic to everyone and my mind allows it. But when it comes to me !! I am one of the most calculative person I’ve come across. Calculative not In the sense of profit and loss – I’d call it rational. I'm calculative of the grades I give my loser self, calculative of my good and bad, digging my mistakes from a whole old virtual interaction.

For example I deliberately or unconsciously start this calculation of good attempts – bad attempts. I humiliate myself in my social interactions on purpose sometimes- like I’d say I didn’t deserve it or that success, It's not me it's totally my luck, and if people would say something demeaning -I’d agree that they are right I shade this act as being critical or opening gates to improve myself.The truth is I’d never choose the best seat in the room even if I am the only person in the room! I simply won’t!- I use to say its my strategy to toughen myself and now I see it as me just bashing myself. I have no idea where or when this faulted trait of mine came into being. If I could just go back and fix it!

 I'm sharing it as I am the person who vocally talks about psyche and its issues and especially how women are socialized to think that they aren't worth it- to eat less-to smile less-to sacrifice-not to enjoy and many more.But I manage to over-look my own-self and its shameful. I use to think I'm loyal to a fault sort of a person-yet I'm not I'm quite practical, not emotionally driven easily, I am a very strong women, an intelligent person especially when it comes to my own subject, I am vocal, kind , affectionate human being, Im a feminist and yet still different in my opinions from others even in my in-group, I am good at writing abit, I'm great at talking –love, compassion, women rights and hope.

There’s so much more to it and yet my brain still at nights manages to play the scenes where I look like fool and zooms in on my mistakes. But as I started writing this piece, I realized through all this mismatched misery –the world can be at your side but you still won’t win until you aren't at your own side too! there's no way out of it but a change of mind.  If you haven’t been through this you’d find this truly cliché but to be honest I’m being honest here.

If you have been through such times and can relate..As I struggle to tell my own self why don't you too take the brave steps with me and tell yourselves.."YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU DO DESERVE THE LOVE, RESPECT, SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS.. EMBRACE YOURSELF- AND THERE ARE WAYS OF DOING IT WITHOUT ALWAYS THINKING OF WAYS TO CHANGE YOURSELF". I hope you all find the courage to look at yourselves with the unconditional love that you offer the world yet never to yourselves.

I wrote this and thought that whats the point of struggling and working if in the end you yourself aren’t at your own side? Who or what are you living for- if no element of your self is involved; Are you even living? I CHOOSE TO BE ON MY SIDE-AS A FAILURE, LOSER OR PIECE OF SHIT-I'M TAKING MY-SIDE.I’m planning to shelter myself from all the flashbacks when they occur. I deliberately choose to fall in love with me.

With love,

The writer.

May I never post this.